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vacanttoy

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Sigh [24 Jan 2007|09:27am]
[ mood | confused ]

Well, it's been quite a LONG time since i didn't post...
I am feeling like shit more and more everyday, i can't take life.
My boyfriend grows tired of me, i can feel it, i can sense it. I am in some random class doing math and i have no friends to talk with, so i am all alone... trying to belong, but i feel as though i will never belong... my heart and head hurts each day... i find myself crying all the time and i am so depressed i don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't know why i just don't end it. Maybe because i am guilt ridden, maybe because i don't want my parents and my grandparents to suffer... I am living just for them, just to keep them happy. I feel weak, useless and hopeless.. I feel that no happiness will ever stay, much less come my way and get me the hell out of this rut that i am stuck in.
My life is one big struggle with my self, with this depression, with my panic attacks and social disorders. I don't know how to think anymore, i feel numb to the core because i am in so much emotional pain... No one has any idea how much i am suffering daily. I wish i could just hide in a hole and die, or just have a quick, painless death... I wish and i can say with truth and honesty that i wish i was never born. The love of my life is starting to lose interest in me, starting to think im a huge bitch and that i think nothing good of him. I am trying.... i really, really am trying to be good, to be happy with myself but i can't. I don't think im strong enough anymore to go on, to survive. I've lost the will to live.... i am just like a zombie going through the motions of life, feeling nothing, loving nothing... I am just there.

Im hurting, I am dying inside. I Wish someone would listen.

Final [17 Aug 2005|09:23pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I am done, I am Finished.
My spirit has vanished, Kayla is no more. The once happy little girl, playing with her ninja turtle space ship, the once beautiful child, innocent pure and greatful to be alive is no more.

My Heart is torn, my brain confused and cloudy, My soul is shattered. I chose not to live anymore because i am tired. Im tired of waking up everyday wishing i was never alive, never born, never happy to be alive anymore. I am not going to take pills for the rest of my life because of this depression, I am not going to be a prisoner to myself, to my head, to my heart. I want to be free. Free of the madness that goes on in my head every day. No one knows me, No one will ever know how i feel. Yeah you may say im emo, yeah you may say im just doing it for attention, but you couldnt be more wrong. My sorrow goes deeper than any fucking cut. Goes down right into the pits of my being, wanting just to get out, to explode, to not feel.

I am worthless, I will never amount to anything. This isn't because of my parents, because they did the best they could. I was born like this, i was born to die. I was born to suffer, I must have been a fucking murderer in my past life because the life i lead now is horrible.

I hate causing drama in peoples lives, I hate people who try and care for me, I hate people who try to help me when they have no fucking idea whats going on in my head. They dont know that my depression is beyond them helping me. The love of my life, will, is the one who is hurting from all this, and i want it to stop. I want it to stop for him. He shouldve met someone else, shouldve been happy, never worrying every day about stupid bullshit. He needs someone who will make him happy, who wont cause bullshit, who'll always be there for him, who'll take care of him and love him. I love him with all of my being, all my fucking heart thats why i dont want to do this to him anymore. Im sure ill alwways be this way, Ill never fucking change. My brain is not equipped for life. Im not equipped to handle this life. Im just a young girl, not wanting to grow up... i want to remember myself still young, still inlove with life, still the small girl playing neintendo 24\7...still the small girl who used to love power rangers, who used to love to play sports, who used to read and was an amazing drawer. The girl who used to love halloween and carve amazing pumpkins with her father, loving to get her hands all full of pumpkin seeds, Love to mold clay and build random, cool things. The girl who used to love going to the water slides, who used to love being outdoors, who used to love getting tans, the girl who always had short hair because she didnt give a shit what people thought of her, the girl who ate anything she wanted, who had mc d's once every week because she loved it. The girl who used to love shopping because she could fit into clothes, she looked good in everything she bought. She wore tons of colours, she dressed pretty. The girl who used to love going to school, going out with friends, laughing all the time. I want to remember all that. I dont want to remember who i am now. Im a great dissapointment to myself, to mmy parents, to my boyfriend and to everyone i know. My friends are gone
My life is gone.
Kayla is no more.
Kayla was dead a long time ago.
goodbye all.

Addicted.

Can't Believe [10 Mar 2005|10:07pm]
[ mood | sick ]

That my friend.. would lie to me like that.. omfg.. i feel like SHIT..
im going to go cry now in bed..

[1] Rock Junkies are Addicted.

WHO FUCKING CARES [26 Feb 2005|10:34am]
[ mood | sad ]

i dont know what the fuck im doing
why the fuck does he bother going out with me when we never see eachother
and whenever we do see eachother its all about fucking sex? does he know how much goddamn pain im in.. obviously not because hes gone
he always leaves
he doesnt give a shit about me... like wtf? why do i bother to get ready for him all the time
take my time to look good
take my time for everything
what the fuck is my goddamned problem im such a fucking moron
what the fuck man
i just wanna crawl up in a ball and die right now... im going to bed

Addicted.

Venting Again [20 Feb 2005|03:05pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

So, Im super pissed off again
This bitch doesnt know when to fucking quit it
i fucking hate her
and i hate the way my boyfriend thinks shes like his best friend when before he ever got a girlfriend
she never ONCE talked to him.. lol i find that extremely hilarious.
It just pisses me off because i cant say anything, and if i do, hell just get mad
and say THERES NOTHING GOING ON, I DONT LIKE HER ANYMORRE..

what a fucking cunt
obviously you do like her still..
hes so fucking vunerable it makes me sick. But whatever, shes fucking ugly anyways and hed be stupid to dump me for her.
if he did id laugh in his face.
You know the dumb bitch cover up? thats her.
she acts like a dumb bitch + slut and somehow guys are attracted to that sort of thing.
HEY maybe i should act like a dumb bitch + slut.. maybe hed like me more or treat me better.
its pretty much a normal friendship but with sex involved lol. It's kind of stupid.
But whatever, i love him and i hope he loves me too.
But i know for a fact he still has feelings for her... its impossible that he doesnt.
Oh well.. rofl
he thinks im a fucking moron thats the sad part.
like i wont notice or something
im not
i notice
and im pissed.

[2] Rock Junkies are Addicted.

Horrible Day [12 Jan 2005|07:10am]
[ mood | angry ]

Well today started out pretty fucking HORRIBLE.
I mean i know i don't hate my parents, i could never hate them.
I just say it cause im mad, but today i got super angry at them. They left without me, didn't leave me any money or any way of transportation.. today was an important day at school today.. I can't believe this bullshit.
Every day of my life im always ridiculed or i take extreme amounts of bullshit for no reason.
Well it's going to stop now, i've really had enough.
feeling like shit all the time is no way to go through life.. Its getting quite sickenning right now.
Hmm
atleast theres one thing great in my life, and thats mitch.. i love him lots.. sigh.
I miss him.

[1] Rock Junkies are Addicted.

Heaven Let Your Light Shine Down. [17 Dec 2004|08:57am]
[ mood | happy ]

Well, woke up today at 10 with my dog licking my face :|... goddamn i can never get any REAL sleep anymore haha. Shit i just tried to open i bottle of wine rotfl but i failed and broke my moms corkscrew hahahahaha.
Oh well, i hope she doesnt get angry.
Im craving for wine? lol, retarded yes i know.
Anywho, i listening to collective soul.. god it brings me back.. if youre a 90's child youll know this fucking song. hahaha its so amazing. It makes me happy.
Anywho, going shopping for christmas gifts today.. bleh.. i really want a nice stud belt and a star belt buckle.
That's be sweet.
Oh well im off, cya.

[3] Rock Junkies are Addicted.

News [12 Dec 2004|11:30am]
[ mood | blah ]

Woke up at 930 today with INSANE cramps.. dear jesus
I got a new puppy, his name is charlie and he is a multi colored, blue eyed teckle. hes cool and hes only 2 months. EVEN THOUGH HE PISSES EVERYWHERE i love him and hes sleeping on my lap right now. He likes it when people sing to him haha, what a baby.

Anywho yesturday my plans were destroyed, but whatever. Myke is such a fucking kid, really.
He should learn to stfu sometimes.. i fucking pay for everything and he yells at me because he thought i "broke his chair"?? who the fuck do you think you are? i told him it was like that when i sat on it ffs.. fucking idiot then he makes us go hom a zillion early because he wants to do homework ROTFLFMAO

i think he got angry that i searched his pron website.. pfft.

anyways, today snakob might come over.. my moms being angry. Cya

Addicted.

Herro [08 Dec 2004|12:15pm]
[ mood | infuriated ]

Im home from school today.. im not feeling too good
But uhm yeah, i found my anti-dp pills today.. MY MOM SAID SHE THREW THEM OUT.. IM SO DAMN PISSED.. wait until she gets home.
Ha my dad promised me hed stop smoking, YEAH RIGHT.. why do i bother to trust them? who knows how many times they have lied to my face.
Anywho, life is boring... and for some reason im breaking out all over the place.. LIKE WTF?
bleh im bored and sick and my throat hurts.
poo

Addicted.

Tres Bored [24 Nov 2004|08:05pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Well i went to andrews on monday, my dad wouldnt let me stay because his parents werent home.
Thank god i got to see him though because he isnt too pretty irl.. Yech.. Hes not my type at all...gross.
Anyways, we dont talk anymore.. Hes a nice kid but he doesnt like me and i dont like him. Oh wells.
I start school december 6th, im taking 436 physical science in hopes of going to vanier one of these days.. which reminds me that i still have to give in my fucking thingy for them to accept me.
Sigh, i want to have a boyfriend.. all of my friends do.
its kind of ironic when i had a boyfriend..NONE of my friends did...haha karma i guess?
Bleh, my parents are going christmas shopping soon AND i cant wait to get the new harry potter dvd to add to my collection.
Im also reading a new boook called the celestine prophecy or however you spells it.

Im off
Byebye

[3] Rock Junkies are Addicted.

Oh my, i shall reveal my crush [15 Nov 2004|06:12pm]
My crush is............




















Andrew.. hes too cute pshhhhshhsh

But anyways i just spent 20 minutes working out.. oh well
byebye
[3] Rock Junkies are Addicted.

The good and the Bad [14 Nov 2004|06:38am]
[ mood | anxious ]

I had a fun time last night and the day before.. slept over at k-lees house with her friends
who are pretty awesome. Aww k-lee and Tyler are so cute haha.
I have a crush on someone.. i think hes the cutest thing in the world.. and for some reason
i always tend to like younger guys haha..
Yeah.. got kinda drunk friday.. got kissed rotfl

Anywho.. My mom calls my grandma today and she says that my grandpa took a fall when his legs
gave out on him last night.. and he cut his eye pretty bad.. Im going over to my grandmas later
to see how hes doing.. im worried and my mom started crying.. shes okay now though.

I dont really think there is anything wrong.. he has arthritis though.. really bad.
I think were going to take him to the hospital.. i hope there isnt anything wrong.. I KNOW there isnt anything wrong.
Sigh.. well that was my weekend
i was supposed to go see bridget jones last night with my mom.. but fuck it wasnt playing at all in LaSalle.. Only in laval lol so i went to bed around 12.. which is pretty damn early for me on a saturday night haha.. i usually go to sleep around 5..
anyways i have an insane heartburn and im going to get some milk then rest for a bit.

What a nuts weekend...
k-lee knows
bye <3

[1] Rock Junkies are Addicted.

I really have to fix my fucking life [08 Nov 2004|12:32am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Honestly,
Im so tired of this constant worrying about dying every day.
I need to find a job, and go out. Im so fucking sick of staying in this goddamned house with nothing to do.. death seems like a good option.. that way i wont have to go through the pain later on in life..
sigh.. wtf is the point of life anyways

i went to bed at 6 am last night
i woke up at 7 am sick with huge cramps in my stomach..
i threw up a couple of times.. and only got back to bed around 11
then i woke up at 5 pm.. had some soup and now im here.
I love my parents so much..
Maybe its because they are the only people i hang out with all the time.
My friends dont like me anymore.. or just dont want to do ANYTHING with me..
i wish i could go to the misfits show... sigh
well bye

[2] Rock Junkies are Addicted.

Oh man [31 Oct 2004|12:26am]
[ mood | tired ]

What a night lol
First i got up at 3, knowing my dad got into an accident which wasnt good..
Then i argue with my parents for like a zillion hours to get me some food and take me down to angrinion park. On the way there my dad was yelling at me "GET A FUCKING JOB, IM NOT PAYING FOR YOU ANYMOREE"
And all other sorts of shit like that.. it gave me a headache, but im sure i gave him one too.
anywho we got there, i left to go into the park to meet everyone. Got smoked with Jacob alex and stefan.. damn we had a good time.. my limbs were numb from climbing on the spider.. lol jacob doing fucking rave moves with one of the twins light thingy that glowed green. Then later it started to rain and we got soked... so then weall just decided to go to MCd's On our way there, we saw this awesome dude playing hacky sack with no shirt on.."HE MUST BE ON LSD OR SOME SHROOMS BLARAGH"
Then we waited a zillion hours for the bus, and then when we got on we made up an hilarious story about dressing up like the characters of mortal combat.. busting out the tunes on the boombox and like upper cutting eachother on the bus hahaha.. hey what can i say, i wasnt sober :)
so we get to mcd's order shit, people giving us dirty looks(i guess when 10 people enter mcd's really drunk/really high, they are going to get annoyed)
Then they rolled another joint ...Yech i didnt want any so i went inside called my dad to come pick me up.. And that is all
Alfred was pissed drunk HAHAHAHA
so was matt m
Anywho, going to see the rocky horror picture show with jess tomorow, and maybe catch a couple of drinks at foufs.. i plan to dress up as a tranny too i have my blue wig and everything :)
Well that was my night
kthxbye

[1] Rock Junkies are Addicted.

I got sunshine in a bag [29 Oct 2004|11:51pm]
[ mood | content ]

Well

Today was pretty interesting.. I woke up at 7 after getting only 2 hours of sleep, i had to bring my application to vanier.. so my parents drove me to their work, printed out the shit i needed then brought me to the metro where i then left to get off at atwater to buy me a hat. Then i realized my app folder is missing so i search for about a half an hour, wasting 3 bus ticks 2.50 a pop... i was so angry.. then it turns out i left it at the hat place all along.. wtf is wrong with me?
Oh well thank god i found it
Anywho so i go to vanier.. but i ended up in College st laurent.. which is, THANKFULLY, close to Vanier.

So i meet up with matt, and i give in my app then we go to this back building and play guitar with his friends who are pretty awesome. Then they played hackey sack and KILL.. and we all laughed and talked.. It was a pleasent day at Vanier i must say.

Then me, matt and alfred go to Angrinion mall and eat there.. fuck they are too funny.. i was laughing the entire time :)
Anyway then i left to go meet up with my parents and we bought books and stuff.. i also bought i wig and makeup for halloween.. we might go to the rocky horror picture show on sunday so i wantto look dragged out :)
Anywho that was my day.. we rented so many movies(cause i have a dvd burner now)
i just finished watching SAVED..(BEST MOVIE EVAR) i loved it.
we also rented backdraft, hocus pocus, dawn of the dead and mulan.
well gotta go.. had a good time
tomorrow i have a halloween thing to go to at angrinion park lol
whatever hope its fun
bye

[1] Rock Junkies are Addicted.

Tears for Fears [18 Oct 2004|10:58am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Well yesturday twas my friends show.. was fun..
feel like shit becaus i got smoked... pfft im never doing that again....
bands were good, got white riot dedicated to me.. was cool lol
I have a crush.. a very bad crush.. and i shouldnt have this crush.. but i do and i cant help it.. well not really a crush.. more of an attraction to..
but who cares, not like were going to end up together lol.. oh well

broken dreams
whats the purpose of life anyways? was it a mistake that were here or... was it chance.. or were we put here to do something great..

i cant wait to start college.. i miss schoolage....
cya
-kayla

[3] Rock Junkies are Addicted.

Rain Sucks [06 Oct 2004|12:36pm]
[ mood | Blech ]

Hey

Its me again, didnt post in awhile...
goddamnit! RAIN SUCKS... i fucking hate when its a shitty day outside
makes me feel bad lol
Well, ive kinda stopped thinking about death and having my entire life revolve around it
so thats good
tomorrow im going back to school to practice for this thursdays grad
wednesday i have an appointment with my shrink... i need my DP pills for anxiety and OCD.
So im quite busy this week and its cool
i need to get wasted or some shit, im bored as hell
i miss my friends
-<3

[6] Rock Junkies are Addicted.

So Depressed [05 Oct 2004|08:54pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Oh well, You must know, im obviously depressed again.
I suck, I look like crap, I never want to grow up. I want to stay 16 forever...
Im graduating, and my parents look proud...but why arent i proud? why arent i happy?
i should be jumping for joy that im going to start a new schoo, a new life... but im not.
Most of my friends ignore me like im the plague. My only friend is K-lee, and i hardly see her ever.
I need to loose weight, i need to fix myself up a bit. Im just so sick and tired of all this bullshit...
sigh... im not like who i used to be... ive gotten to a point where i dont give a shit about anything anymore, and i just want to stay home with my parents.. hell without them i would be dead.
And the fact that they will die, and i will die someday, just... it makes me so fucking sad...
THANK GOD im going to see my shrink tomorrow...
sigh... i wish this pain would end
i need love, i need a b/f...someone to hold and kiss..
i miss that
i miss maverick sometimes.. i always think about how much fun we had... sigh
who knows where we could be today heh.
but yeah that will never happen, so.....
oh well ive done enough rambling for one night...
postage tomorrow
cya
-<3

Addicted.

Bored [15 Sep 2004|09:00pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Bored as always
Just found out im graduating.. wow it went really fast
still doing my work outs haha, ive lost alot of weight, or so my mom says
But yeah i love my mommy haha
anywho
bye
-<3

[1] Rock Junkies are Addicted.

Can you feel the love tonight? [12 Sep 2004|07:55pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Im such an idiot
For real
Gah, life sucks.. Oh well
Im starting to write songs now and make music for them
not like ill get anywhere but its something to do
I have my drivers test this week
hopefully ill do well
Beh, i love j
Bye
-<3

Addicted.

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