I am done, I am Finished.
My spirit has vanished, Kayla is no more. The once happy little girl, playing with her ninja turtle space ship, the once beautiful child, innocent pure and greatful to be alive is no more.
My Heart is torn, my brain confused and cloudy, My soul is shattered. I chose not to live anymore because i am tired. Im tired of waking up everyday wishing i was never alive, never born, never happy to be alive anymore. I am not going to take pills for the rest of my life because of this depression, I am not going to be a prisoner to myself, to my head, to my heart. I want to be free. Free of the madness that goes on in my head every day. No one knows me, No one will ever know how i feel. Yeah you may say im emo, yeah you may say im just doing it for attention, but you couldnt be more wrong. My sorrow goes deeper than any fucking cut. Goes down right into the pits of my being, wanting just to get out, to explode, to not feel.
I am worthless, I will never amount to anything. This isn't because of my parents, because they did the best they could. I was born like this, i was born to die. I was born to suffer, I must have been a fucking murderer in my past life because the life i lead now is horrible.
I hate causing drama in peoples lives, I hate people who try and care for me, I hate people who try to help me when they have no fucking idea whats going on in my head. They dont know that my depression is beyond them helping me. The love of my life, will, is the one who is hurting from all this, and i want it to stop. I want it to stop for him. He shouldve met someone else, shouldve been happy, never worrying every day about stupid bullshit. He needs someone who will make him happy, who wont cause bullshit, who'll always be there for him, who'll take care of him and love him. I love him with all of my being, all my fucking heart thats why i dont want to do this to him anymore. Im sure ill alwways be this way, Ill never fucking change. My brain is not equipped for life. Im not equipped to handle this life. Im just a young girl, not wanting to grow up... i want to remember myself still young, still inlove with life, still the small girl playing neintendo 24\7...still the small girl who used to love power rangers, who used to love to play sports, who used to read and was an amazing drawer. The girl who used to love halloween and carve amazing pumpkins with her father, loving to get her hands all full of pumpkin seeds, Love to mold clay and build random, cool things. The girl who used to love going to the water slides, who used to love being outdoors, who used to love getting tans, the girl who always had short hair because she didnt give a shit what people thought of her, the girl who ate anything she wanted, who had mc d's once every week because she loved it. The girl who used to love shopping because she could fit into clothes, she looked good in everything she bought. She wore tons of colours, she dressed pretty. The girl who used to love going to school, going out with friends, laughing all the time. I want to remember all that. I dont want to remember who i am now. Im a great dissapointment to myself, to mmy parents, to my boyfriend and to everyone i know. My friends are gone
My life is gone.
Kayla is no more.
Kayla was dead a long time ago.